What if You Could Succeed More By Changing Your Attitude?

As a child I admired those with talent. Nadia Comaneci was my hero for her amazing abilities as a gymnast. Marie Curie’s story stuck with me for her example of what one woman could do for science. Young violin and piano prodigies captivated me with their skill.

At first these gifted people inspired me. I would practice piano with a new zeal… for a few weeks. I ‘d walk an imaginary balance beam in my back yard, pretending I faced off against Olympic greats. Yet I quit once I finished one round of gymnastics class, even though I loved the uneven parallel bars. After breaking my school’s freshman record for the 400m run, I switched from track to soccer, where I performed only at an average level.

After a while I stopped being inspired by others’ accomplishments and instead found myself depressed by them. I felt like I’d never advance above mediocrity. I was afraid to fail. And I believed I had no talent, no innate skill.

In a word, I had the wrong mindset.

In her book, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success, researcher Carol Dweck defines the mindset I had (a fixed mindset) and compares it with that held by the most successful people, those who sustained success over time and in the face of adversity. Those folks have what she describes as a “growth mindset.” A fixed mindset believes that abilities are innate and are, for the most part, set. On the other hand, a growth mindset approaches everything with an attitude of learning and development.

Before I read Dweck’s book I had already undergone a change in thinking. In recent years I learned to embrace failure and pushed myself to take risks in areas where I wanted to excel. I am excited again about learning and I find my heroes’ stories inspiring again. I’ve adopted some of the best of the growth mindset. But I still have much to learn – as an individual, but especially as a parent.

For example, labeling kids as “smart” or “gifted” gets in the way of a growth mindset. Praising ability instead of effort stunts success. As Dweck says, “After seven experiments with hundreds of children, we had some of the clearest findings I’ve ever seen: Praising children’s intelligence harms their motivation and it harms their performance… It really does give them a boost, a special glow—but only for the moment. The minute they hit a snag, their confidence goes out the window and their motivation hits rock bottom. If success means they’re smart, then failure means they’re dumb.”

If our families are to truly enjoy the bucket list life and find our way to marking off some of our loftier dreams, we need to keep a growth mindset in focus. In Family Bucket Lists I recommend celebrating intermediate steps to bigger goals. But I would also say that part of the process should include talking with your kids about what you learn along the way. Look at how your bucket list experiences are shaping you. Value the growth you experience from tackling them – together and individually.

For any family pursuing the bucket list life I highly recommend this book. For our part, we have committed to enrolling our two eldest in Dweck’s growth mindset-promoting course, Brainology. I want to see them succeed like my heroes and theirs. But more than that, I want them to have fun and grow along the way. That is more valuable than an Olympic gold, Nobel prize, or Carnegie Hall performance.