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<\/a><\/p>\nHave you ever noticed this tendency in yourself? You know you\u2019ve got to apologize because it\u2019s clear that your actions or words wounded someone. So you look around for some courage and come up instead with something like: \u201cI\u2019m sorry for what I did, but if you\u2019d known what my day was like\u2026\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sorry if my words offended you, if I\u2019d known you would take them that way\u2026\u201d \u201cI\u2019m sorry I messed up, but there was this circumstance that got in my way and…\u201d<\/p>\n
Why do we do this? Why do we follow an admission of guilt with an explanation?<\/p>\n
It\u2019s shame.\u00a0 As Brene Brown says in her book, Daring Greatly<\/em>, \u201cIn organizations, schools, and families, blaming and finger-pointing are often symptoms of shame.\u201d<\/p>\n We want to save face, both with the person we wronged and with ourselves. But the problem is, when we offer an \u201cI\u2019m sorry, but\u2026\u201d we give all the power to shame. We let it control the interaction.<\/p>\n We think that shifting the blame will also shift the shame.<\/span> It doesn\u2019t.<\/p>\n The sad result of pointing the finger at what we can\u2019t<\/em> control instead of being willing to take an open-eyed look at what we could have controlled is that the guilt (and its shame) is still with us. And the one we wounded still hurts. They\u2019ve been forced to accept that we care more about protecting ourselves than mending the rift \u2013 because most likely they\u2019re aware of what we’re doing. And they\u2019ve been robbed of the chance to forgive us for what we did that hurt them.<\/p>\n When we say a simple \u201cI\u2019m sorry. I was wrong when I\u2026\u201d we offer an opportunity for forgiveness to be extended.<\/p>\n Yes, it\u2019s hard. Very hard. But the next time I\u2019m in a position where I have to admit my guilt in hurting someone else, I want to say a simple \u201cI\u2019m sorry\u201d with only an explanation of what I\u2019m sorry for and not an explanation of what I want to blame it on. I want to be known as a person who takes responsibility, for both the good and the bad. And I want to teach my children to be that kind of person too.<\/p>\n When have you had the courage to give an apology straight up, no blame-shifting explanations? How did it turn out?<\/span><\/p>\n Photo credit: \u201cIt Could Be You\u201d by Stuart Richards on Flickr made available under CC license<\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" It\u2019s hard to admit when we\u2019ve done something wrong and hurt another person in the process. Really hard. In fact, it\u2019s easier to point our finger at another source than to own up to our role in the matter. Have you ever noticed this tendency in yourself? You know you\u2019ve got to apologize because it\u2019s…<\/p>\n