I went to a parent meeting for the high school girls’ soccer team this weekend. I paid for uniforms, “met” the coaches, and learned what it will mean for my eldest to play for her school.
But I hadn’t always assumed that day would come. In fact, for the last week during tryouts I sweated decisions we made about sports for our kids.
Because for the past 7 or 8 years I have pushed back against the industry that is club sports and that I believe too often manipulates parents’ fears for the financial gain of its operators. I campaigned for a more laid back approach to childhood where kids aren’t “molded” into superstars through costly channels. And I was about to eat my words… Or not.
Yes, our daughter made the team. Though she didn’t get a top-tier slot, we’re pleased with the outcome relative to what she has put into soccer thus far. I thought this might be a good time to share a little bit about our non-intensive sports experiment. Here’s a recap of what we did and did not do.
We didn’t:
- give in to the pressure of a club coach who scouted our daughter on the soccer field in second grade and promised us that she wouldn’t make the high school team if she didn’t sign up for club level that year. His blatant play on our fears was what opened my eyes and set me off on my course of pressing back against the cultural establishments that raise the bar so high at great expense to players and their parents.
- avoid club sports altogether. My daughter was intimidated by the intensity of club play as a second grader. But by fourth grade she wanted to give it a shot. And a less expensive club option came up. So she joined a team for two seasons. And then played on her junior high basketball team and ran track. Ultimately she found another soccer team to play on concurrent with her school sports.
- focus on playing year round – for any of our three girls playing soccer. Even though all three have been standouts on the field and could advance with continuous training, none of us appreciated the lack of downtime. The cost of burnout outweighed the benefits in my mind. Some kids may be able to handle it (although research indicates their bodies may not). Mine preferred a break. So we have always taken breaks from everything – sports and other extracurriculars.
- pressure our kids to excel. Although I won’t say I have never been tempted. When your child is scouted by a club coach or praised for their abilities, it’s easy to want to see them develop more and go further. Which can make a parent pushy. I have learned to temper my desire to see them succeed and go beyond the ordinary with a desire to honor their wishes. While I don’t always execute it well, I try to be encouraging and suggest options without ever forcing it.
We did:
- encourage sports and being active. Whatever our girls have shown an interest in (within reason), we have signed them up for. And when they’ve tended toward coach potato behavior, we have guided them back into finding clubs and sports to join.
- fuss at our kids to practice at home and work on the skills being taught by coaches. Only so much happens in a big group of kids during an hour or so practice. Every coach has asked for short practice sessions at home. We have always tried to have our kids respect that request. It hasn’t always worked out, but the aim is there.
- relish time together as a family. When my kids weren’t busy we made sure that we were doing things as a family – often at home. We played games, did housework, and just hung out together. And we also kept the in-season schedules simple enough that most of the time we could be at games together to cheer on whoever was playing. Obviously a high school sports schedule is going to change that some.
I’m not saying that our decision not to follow the intense year-round club avenue is the best for everyone. I’m not going to say our choices got her on the team or even that she’ll play on a high school team beyond her freshman year (although, after the parent meeting, I’m hopeful). I’m also not in a place to say that club level play would have guaranteed anything either. I do realize our high school’s team benefits from excellent players trained through club involvement – I just wish for all of our sakes the stakes weren’t so high and invoked at such a young age.
What I will say is that none of us regret our decisions about sports. Our schedule has generally been stress-free because of our choices. I can count on one hand the number of times my girls ate a meal in the car between events. Plus we haven’t shelled out thousands of dollars to “invest” in our kids’ sports careers. We also never made a decision for our kids based on fears for their future. We prayed for wisdom to make sound choices. We trusted God to go before them and make a way. We put family above the individual.
Looking back and considering where we are today, I’d say on many metrics, our experiment was a success.
Photo credit: Stewart Seman
Amy R. Buckley says
Lara, our family has also wrestled with decisions over sports. We take a similar approach because we don’t train year round. Our oldest is in competitive horseback riding, and we have chosen a lower pressure club that comes with less glory. The parents don’t pressure their kids, and the focus is on doing one’s best. It’s more cost effective, and our daughter is required to feed, and care for the horse (belonging to the trainer). Our other daughter is in competitive Taekwondo, but it’s low pressure. That coach emphasizes character as much as actual practice. We like that our girls’ activities are outside school since there’s so much pressure on them academically. Our school district is over the top… But that’s another discussion.
Lara Krupicka says
Amy – I love to hear that! It can feel like a very lonesome path going a less-competitive route. So it’s nice to hear that families are finding those types of options. Thanks for sharing.
Sue LeBreton says
I like that approach Amy. It can be challenging to find what I can competitive/recreational. My son joined a developmental team this year for rock combing and it seems to suit him well- they can go to the comps or not.
Sue LeBreton says
This is a huge topic. I have watched many families doing activities 5-6 nights a week and wondered if I was doing my kids a disservice. I have tried to follow their lead and have plenty of downtime. I have a more competitive nature than they do. My goal is to have them be active people throughout their lives and that doesn’t
Lara Krupicka says
Sue – Nice work, particularly when you have that competitive drive yourself. It is hard not to second guess yourself when so many are following a different course.
Callie Glorioso-Mays says
I loved this! Our son is still young, but if/when he wants to do sports later, I worry about being too involved and letting it rule our lives. Thanks for sharing your balanced approach. I’m pinning it so I can re-read it later.
Lara Krupicka says
Callie – thank you! I hope when that time comes that there has been at least a slight shift and that more non-intensive options are available. What I heard from our high school coach this past weekend honestly has me very hopeful.
Beth Pandy Bruno says
Thank you for speaking in to this. I wish we could stage a revolt! My daughter was on the soccer track and chose to get off it before we had to make the decision for her and our pocketbooks (thankfully!) It makes me sad that kids are being forced to decide at such young ages what their main passion is going to be. And the culture of fear and pressure that coaches and other parents create has to stop!
Lara Krupicka says
Beth – I love your passion about this. And for a change to happen I think we need to keep unmasking the fears and show parents that success can happen through many avenues. There needs to be a rebalancing back to accepting that not all kids need to be superstars. I also think we don’t allow kids to bloom at their own pace, so we’re passing over a lot of potential because it doesn’t fit a certain mold and stereotypical timeframe. Good for your daughter to see that it wasn’t a fit for her and for you to follow that.
Keri Wyatt Kent says
I tell parents all the time not to believe the threats/lies/bullying of club sport coaches or other parents who say your child won’t be able to make the high school team if they don’t play club sports. My daughter played soccer. We resisted club level involvement until junior high. But still, by the time she was a junior in high school, she’d been playing for 12 years in one form or another. She got tired of it and quit. (But she runs for fun and has run a marathon and will do her second half marathon next weekend). My son tried various sports and didn’t like any, until he played volleyball starting in high school. He made the JV team his freshman year, varsity by sophomore year. He’s played for a club team and been recruited by various colleges (so much for the “he won’t get a scholarship if he doesn’t start early” theory). Because as teens, they’re ready for that kind of competition–not so much when they are younger. Sports are wonderful but the pressure and cost of highly competitive is not healthy.
Lara Krupicka says
Keri – thank you so much for sharing your stories and perspective, especially as one with kids a little further down the road (and because I’ve always appreciated the perspectives and wisdom you share in your books). Your daughter isn’t the first I have heard of to spend their childhood in one sport and then stop or switch as a teen. It makes me wonder if, for those whose parents have spent a lot of money on a single sport, that desire to stop is a tough burden to bear.
Shari Dragovich says
Thanks for opening this topic, Lara. We are in the middle of this very issue right now. It seems like our families are very similar in our approach to the whole sports thing. I joke about bowing down to the almighty sports god, but really, we have some pretty tight boundaries still. Our biggest problem is having 5 kids who are all athletic–even if we only let them do one thing, we are running crazy. We also have had club coaches approach us already about our 9 year-old daughter playing soccer with them–when she was 8! We get pressure all the time from coaches–what makes me super mad is when coaches go directly to my children and pump their heads full of “super stardom” and proposition them to come play for their club teams. I have no problem telling those coaches that its not okay with me for them to approach my children with opportunities before they approach me.
I feel like we need to be in constant prayer over this. The slope is steep–and slippery!! And, my husband and I aren’t always on the same page.
I could go on forever–loved the post!
Gwen Stephens says
I love this, Lara. We’ve been down both roads — the high-intensity club road, as well as the more laid back road — and learned from both experiences. Natalie burned out at age 10 from club gymnastics, which was a 16-hour/week practice commitment. She quit the sport entirely for more than a year, tried other things, but then decided she wanted to return to gymnastics – her decision, not ours. We were fortunate to find a gym that offered a less-intense program for kids who loved the sport, just not all the practice hours. The best part is she can still compete (which is what she likes best), but on lower tiered competition level. Her skills aren’t advancing as quickly because of the reduced schedule, but we all feel it’s the best of both worlds.
Lara Krupicka says
Gwen – It has been interesting to watch your family go through this progression. I always admired your daughter’s dedication and tenacity in working so hard at gymnastics. And I was equally impressed when she chose to step back. So it’s good to hear you’ve found a happy medium. And I think it’s important for parents to know that it doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing decision when it comes to extracurricular activities. There’s nothing wrong with moving around and testing the options until you find a good fit (and knowing that what “fits” may change over time). Thanks for chiming in with your story!