What do you want to do? What is your biggest dream, your highest hope?
No really. What do you, mom, want to do most in life – today, tomorrow, next month?
Can you tell me off the top of your head, without needing to hear other people’s answers first?
I ask this question because I am guessing that I am not the only mother who has ever forgotten who she is and what she enjoys (beyond being with her husband and children). And I’m probably not the only mom who has gotten so caught up in her notions of what she was supposed to do or supposed to be like, that she lost sight of her true self.
If you can’t honestly answer the question of what you would most like to do during the time you have on this earth, you may have forgotten too. Or maybe you’re just unsure.
In the realm of bucket lists and life longings I often see people wanting a sample list to work from. They want to know what other people would call bucket-list-worthy aspirations. “Give me a bucket list I can work from,” they say.
And I understand this. Another person’s list can be great for inspiration – to show us how big and bold we could go. It’s entertaining to read what someone else wants to pursue.
But I think particularly among moms there is an insecurity behind wanting a pre-determined list. We spend so much time sacrificing for the little people in our lives – in essence denying our own interests – that we can no longer pinpoint what we would choose for ourselves if given the chance. And oftentimes we get so busy trying to keep up with moms around us for the sake of giving our children the best opportunities in life, that we quickly become imitators. Imitators who unintentionally mask their real desires.
So taking the time to answer the question of what you want is an important exercise. Our children need self-assured mothers who know themselves. They need moms who have a destination in mind besides the doorway of their child’s college dorm room 18 (or fewer) years down the road.
It’s a simple question. What do you want to do. Yet the answer won’t come easy. Certainly not in the errand-filled, volunteering, kid-schlepping life of a modern mom. But we need to make it a priority to ask and answer it repeatedly over the course of our children’s lives. Because if we wait to answer until they are grown, the answer may have faded away or moved out with our children. And we will have missed out on having our children as companions on our journey toward fulfilling some of our life ambitions.
What do you want to do?
If you’re still not sure, that’s okay. Take it as a sign that you need some personal attention. Then give it to yourself: recognize what moves you, what sparks energy in you. Re-engage in an old hobby. Try something, anything new for the sake of testing the waters. Soon you will find that the answer will resurface. And with it will come you as your best, truest self and mother.
I really like your post, Lara. I found myself recently going through this very issue–especially in the wake of a huge life change and it seeming like everyone else was moving forward with new adventures, while I just keep doing the same ole’ reliable mom and wife. I don’t think my problem is so much that I don’t know what I want to do, it’s having the faith to see I’m not forgotten and trusting that God will fulfill this passion I believe He has given me. I am finding I am even LESS patient that I ever thought I was AND I have a long way to go in the trust and faith department 🙁 And, like you said, I struggle with giving myself permission to want to pursue other things than always and forever taking care of my family.
Great post!
Shari – I think you do a good job of describing some of the tension that happens when we do embrace our longings. The amount of time available and the pace of seeing things happen for ourselves are so small and so slow that it can be hard to believe we actually have any place in wanting to follow our desires. But I think you said it very well: “it’s having the faith to see I’m not forgotten and trusting that God will fulfill this passion I believe He has given me.”
Thank you for that perspective.
I remember that it was years ago when I was in this situation. It was before I had children. I couldn’t articulate what I wanted. Actually, I think it was because I was just afraid to name it. Afraid that it wasn’t what good Christian women do. I have friends who’ve expressed this sentiment though. My heart goes out to them. And so, I shared this on my wall! Thanks so much Lara!
Marlena – yes! There’s so much to what you say about fear – of naming what we want, of matching expectations. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and sharing this post.